Our staff received this intercepted memo from a source who shall remain anonymous:
Dear Reenactor, Living Historian, Living Historical Reenactor,
We have received your registration for our 7th annual “Timelines Through The Ages and Ages” event, and your letter of complaint.
- We do not refer to our Revolutionary War reenactors as “cross-dressers”. There is a lace issue, but that has been addressed.
- The gentleman you noted in your letter did in fact use bear grease as an underarm product, but he did so in keeping with his “frontier woodsman” character. The small children you spoke of in your letter are fine after the fainting spells, and required no other medical treatment. We have addressed the problem and have purchased a supply of modern underarm products for the entire “Kentuck Woods Long Rifle Wood Boys”.
- Regarding the unfortunate incident with the Vikings. We can assure you that “Swen” will not be allowed to eat uncooked food in public, or kidnap assorted “maidens” from the “Early Celt” campsite. The simulated slaughter of various members of the “English long house” was a “spur-of -the-moment” action intended to draw the interest of the public.
- The fur hat you noted in your letter was not “Fluffy” the cat. Fluffy was later found very much alive at the Viking camp.  The Vikings stated they were never going to light the fire, but were just showing the public how the animal might have been cooked. The Vikings have agreed in principal, to pay for treatment for Fluffy’s nervous condition, although they claim that Fluffy was high-strung before the cooking demo.
- Our authenticity chairman has reviewed the “loose granola” complaint and has concluded that the “13th Century Eastern European Reenactors” did indeed have loose granola and were trying to pass it off as millet. We believe the Birkenstock sandals might have given them away. They have since disbanded as most of them were “killed off” in the slit trench incident. They have reformed as the “Elect McGovern” political reenactors. Far out.
- According to our investigation, the slit trench incident started out when a WWII Russian reenactor, “Yuri” tried to use the fire pit of the “7th Georgia” Civil War reenactors for a “latrinski”. The 7th Georgia commander stated at the civil trial that “Yuri” and “Vassily” were intoxicated and that he, the commander, actually said, “That there is our fire pit” and not “Your mother is a pickled swine”. The “OOH RAH” charge of later that evening, while spilling over into the “13th Century Eastern European Village” caused minor damage, but the theft of the tentage is still under investigation.
- The WWII German reenactors were released on Sunday from the make-shift POW camp on the wooded portion of the property. We had believed that they were out “on patrol” late Saturday evening. We are currently investigating a complaint that their beer supply was stolen. When the “Obergruppenfurher” regained his senses, he objected to being captured by Vietnam era reenactors and to being called a “gook”. They may not return this year, although we have issued an invitation to them.
- “The Queen’s Company” reenactors did not actually have scurvy, but we believe the rash was real. The burning of their mock-up poop deck is still under investigation. Captain Ponsby-Smythe was slightly wounded by what appeared to be a spear during the brawl that occured directly after the slit trench incident.
- The “Berlin Wall, Check-Point Charlie” reenactors have agreed not to string the barbed-wire this year, and will not address the public across the fence as “stinkin’ Commies”.
- Sadly, the “Medical Clearing Company” reenactors had a series of nervous breakdowns, identity issues and yeast infections (unusual in males), and are unable to participate without large doses of medication. Current rules do not allow this, so they will not be joining us this year. The females of the Company quit in disgust and have formed a new group.
We hope this answers your questions. We are looking forward to you and your groups’ participation this year. Please read the regulation directive and have all your group members sign the sheet provided. Thank you for your interest and participation in “Timelines Through The Ages and Ages”.
Sincerely,
The Event Staff
Submitted by “Anonymous”
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